Why Desire Feels Unsafe for High Achievers (and How to Reclaim It)
Burnout is not only about having too much on your plate. It is also about how you learned to silence your own needs.
Many adults find that wanting something feels unsafe when they have been conditioned to prioritize responsibility over desire. This article explores how acknowledging desire with care and curiosity can become a source of self-trust and emotional regulation. This reflection may be especially meaningful for Asian and Asian diaspora professionals who feel conflicted between achievement and inner desire and are curious about how therapy can support gentle attunement to what they truly want.
For many of us, especially those who grew up with strong cultural expectations, the message was clear: be good, be easy, stay agreeable. Approval came when we worked hard, behaved, or made others proud. So we became experts at quieting our desires, folding them away to keep the peace.
Over time, this can leave us exhausted. When we hold ourselves small for too long, our bodies, minds, and spirits start to protest.
The Hidden Cost of Silence
It can feel unsafe to want things like rest or joy when your needs were once minimized or mocked. Saying no might bring up a dread that something bad will happen, like losing safety, protection, and love. Saying yes to yourself might feel like you are betraying your family’s sacrifices, the harmony of the group, or the role of being the “good” and dependable one.
Living like this takes constant energy. It can look like:
Feeling burnt out even when you are doing “all the right things”
Struggling with self-doubt, wondering if you are allowed to want what you want
Carrying the weight of cultural or family expectations that tell you to keep sacrificing
Many people carry these same unspoken rules.
A Step Toward Reclaiming Yourself
Start small. Do something that pleases you, something that is not tied to productivity, outcome, or economic value.
This might look like giving yourself a slower morning, making room for play where you can color outside the lines, creating something just for the joy of it, or doing something with your hands that lets you see it through from beginning to end. Choose something that engages your creativity and imagination, where you can dream and envision without limits or rules.
A good starting point is to remember the wants, needs, and yearnings of a younger you. Make a commitment to yourself to indulge and savor that experience. If you achieve it, give yourself words of appreciation.
Over time, these small acts of permission grow into bigger ones. You may notice yourself:
Speaking up in a meeting to share an idea or ask for clarity
Declining a project that would push you past capacity
Asking for time off or more support without apologizing
This is a way of telling yourself that your needs matter and your desires belong. Each time you practice this, you rebuild trust with yourself and loosen the hold of self-doubt.
You Do Not Have to Do This Alone
Learning to listen to yourself again is part of healing from burnout, and it is easier when you have support. If you have been feeling disconnected, overextended, or buried under expectations, therapy can help you make space for your own voice.
Where in your life do you hold yourself back to keep things smooth for others, and what might it feel like to choose differently? When was the last time you noticed a small want, and what did you do with it?
